A Porn Addicts Blog

Wow! I just checked back at the counter and it's at almost 1200 hits. I had no clue that so many people came to this site. I don't know if that's good or bad. I guess it's good that so many people are seeking help rather than letting this problem take hold of their life. I feel even more guilty now about my lack of updates. I know in the past that I made some promises about updating that I didn't keep and I'm sorry. Now, I'm back in school full time and working full time. Because of this I'm even more busy than before. I'm not going to promise about updates anymore. I will promise you that I will check the comments and my emails at least once per week, and I will update as I have time. I always answer my email. Always. It may be a day, or two, or a week, but I will write back if you send me something. iamaddicted2porn@gmail.com

An update about me:
Like I said, I'm working full time and going to school full time, so I don't have a lot of extra time! This has been good for my addiction because I really don't have extra time to feed it. The wrench in that is, I work overnight by myself and I have about four hours of my shift to do whatever I want. Such as, using my laptop with wireless internet. In fact, I'm using it right now. I try to fill in my time here at work to do homework. After all, that's the reason I got this job. However, there are days and weeks that I don't have much homework. That's when things start to become a struggle. Compounded with that, because of my wife's work schedule I don't get to see her very often. That means not much sex. No, that is not only thing I miss, but it does play a huge factor in how I'm doing with my pornography addiction. I catch myself trying to use lack of sex as an excuse, and It has worked several times.
Things have been pretty rough, but overall, I think my addiction has taken a turn for the better right now.

A word about Halloween:
Halloween is just a couple days away and for those of us with porn and other sexual addictions it can be a dangerous holiday. The trend for adults over the past few years is to dress up a naughty_____. This day has become an excuse for women to run around in lingerie and an excuse for men to ogle them. If you have an addiction and could be adversely affected by that, then think of an alternative place to go for your Halloween party.

Response to an email

2007-08-20T16:44:00.001-05:00

I want to share another response that I gave, but I have to keep this private as the writer did not publicly write any of this. I will give basic background. The woman and kids recently moved in with B/f. The B/f is hiding his porn addiction.

Hi ... Thanks for writing. I know that I don't update my blog a lot (it's hard to find time for the last while), but feel free to write anytime. I will respond to you. I see where you're coming from, and let me tell you that you are not the only one in this situation. This situation, with varying details, is very common. The woman finds out what her boyfriend/husband is doing; the woman doesn't want to say anything, and the man becomes defensive and closed off. I can't tell you what will and won't work between you and your boyfriend, but I would advise getting it out in the open. I know that your afraid for the relationship, and I'll be the first to admit that the relationship could end as a final result; however, it may not. One thing is for sure, you need to look out for yourself, and more importantly your children. You owe it to everyone involved to bring this out in the open (not open to your kids) if he will not. Unfortunately in this situation the women almost always feel hurt and weak and vulnerable, but sometimes they need to be the strong one for a while to get the ball rolling. If and when you decide to talk to him I can promise you that he'll get defensive and will probably say a lot of things you don't want to hear. The fact is, he'll get defensive because he has a problem and somewhere in there he knows it; however, you can't make him deal with it if he doesn't want to. If he wants to choose you and your relationship over his addiction then he will deal with it. It may not be much at first. He will probably fail over and over and over, but just because he fails does not mean he's not trying. You will have to learn to discern whether or not he is actually trying and not let him give up. If you ever feel that he has completely chosen pornography over you then you have to leave. You can't put your family through that. I would also advise not getting married to him until at very least you know that he is trying, making progress, and will keep at it. Until then stay strong, and feel free to write me with any other comments, concerns, worries, or even good news! :)

Normally I wouldn't go straight for the advise of leaving, but in this situation there are children; I assume that they are not from the B/f as they have only been together for a number of months, and there isn't a marriage involved.

Response to a comment

2007-05-15T00:31:00.000-05:00

This is directed to "L" for the comments that she posted. I felt that this response should be shared.

First, just take a breath and gather yourself. You just found out about this 4 months ago, and you haven't figured out how to sort your emotions out yet. You have the right to feel all of the emotions that you are feeling (my wife and I had the same experience when I told her). Just be careful to sort out the irrational thoughts.
Now, before I continue with the core issue, I want to address something you mentioned. You asked, "why aren't my prayers being answered?" I assume you meant it as a rhetorical question, but I'm going to address it anyway. No, I'm not God and I can't know God's mind, but I do have a Bible and believe it to be the divinely inspired word of God. First, God's answers to prayer are not always OUR answers. God may be healing your boyfriend, but it's not going to be the overnight transformation that you, and my wife, wanted. Second, and I mean absolutely no offense toward you or any other catholic personally, but I have great concern for all of you. I believe the catholic church is gravely off the path with God. Many of the doctrine it teaches is not Biblical and some of it actually goes AGAINST the Bible. You said you prayed the rosary. To the best of my understanding, portions of that ask the virgin Mary to pray to God for you. That is totally wrong. See this page for a pretty thorough explanation as to why. Mary didn't die on the cross for you. Jesus died for you. He is the only one you should be praying to. You need to have a personal relationship with Jesus. There are many other things that I could go on about with catholicism (and would be happy to if you would like sometime), but I want to get back to the core issue here.

There are some things that I can't really give you an answer on.
I'm not a doctor, nor do I have any medical training, so as to the neurological syndrome you mentioned I can't really answer. I guess it makes sense that it could make it harder for him to recover, but I can tell you it's not the source of the problem.
Looking at pornography does not have the same affects as drugs, but masturbation does. I promise you that if he is addicted to porn, that he masturbates. When you masturbate a chemical is released into your brain that is the same as when you take crack/cocaine. Your brain gets addicted to that chemical and the desire for that chemical is triggered when you see or think of what you were doing that last time it was released. So, there is both a physical and psychological aspect to pornography addiction and sex addiction.
I can't say to you that he will or won't have an affair. I don't know him. I can say that I've met several men in addiction group that have had affairs. I can also say that I have not.
Should you brake up with him until it's sorted out. I discourage married couples to get divorced, but it is quite clear in the Bible that infidelity is the ONLY excuse for divorce. I believe the Bible and God when he says that he hates divorce, and that ALL other reasons for divorce are sin. To couples that aren't married, especially ones that have only been together a short time, I say it's your call. I don't know either of you, nor the dynamic of your relationship. I don't know true motives or intentions. I suggest seeking advice from someone whom you know and trust.

Try not to associate this problem and his love for you. I realize what I'm asking sounds impossible and ridiculous, but the more you try the easier it will be for both of you. YES, it IS possible for a man to have this problem and to LOVE his girlfriend/wife. Men, I know you know exactly what I mean. Women, I know you think that I sound crazy! Men and women's minds are just built differently. Women have the brain that wants to associate everything. Men have the brain that can compartmentalize everything (i.e. Wife is in box one, porn is in box two). Men can open and close and combine any of the boxes he wants. I realize this is hard to grasp, but the more you try the easier it will be to understand what you husband/boyfriend is saying to you and the less emotionally exhausted you will become.

Yes, it is very, very hard to just not go to a website. This is an addiction. Consider this: You know a cocaine addict. He really wants to quit, but there is a baggy of it that he walks past everyday. Many times per day even. Would you expect him to just stop with that sitting around? Would you expect him to be able to just not think about it when he walks by? Would you expect him to not have the urge to use again when he sees it? Would you expect him to have the will power to NEVER slip again? Porn is you boyfriend's cocaine, and the baggy is his computer, or the store that carries his magazines, or the porn shop/strip club he drives by everyday to and from work. I'm not saying that you should be OK with him slipping, just don't throw everything out the window and assume that he must not love you every time that he does.

I could go on for hours and hours about everything that I've experienced and what the Bible has to say. There are so many different things to consider. I suggest that you both go down to your local Christian book store and buy Every Man's Battle. It's very important to read and educate yourselves on this subject. How can you beat something you know nothing about?

Lastly Pray! Pray to Jesus your risen Lord. He died on the cross for all of us to forgive us of our sins. Jesus is our advocate to God. Pray for each other and with each other. Don't make a ritual out of prayer (i.e. the rosary). If you do, at least make it 100% about God. He is the only one Holy enough and deserving of our prayers.

I didn't forget!

2007-01-22T00:12:00.000-06:00

I'm sorry I didn't post anything last week. I sat down to write my blog entry and had it on my heart to write on a hard subject. It really requires a lot of thought and prayer on what to say and what words to use. I want you to know that I didn't skip out on my promise to update every Monday night, but am just taking my time to get this next entry right.

The key!

2007-01-08T22:30:00.000-06:00

I am alive and well. :) I've been doing very well with my struggle lately. I'm happy to report that I'm still on track to meet my 2/27 goal! Thank you, Jesus! I would also like to that those that have been coming to my blog and for you comments. It makes me happy to know that I'm helping, even just a few people, in a small way. I ask to you keep coming back and commenting and I will try my best to keep this updated. I will try to update it every Monday or Tuesday night.

Kate,
Thank you for your comment. I hope that you keep coming back. The reason that my story sounds similar to your husbands is because this addiction traps men in mostly the same way. Now, everybody is different and so are there specific struggles with pornography, but after I started to talk to other addicts and read books and blogs, I discovered that every man's story is about 90% the same! In some ways though, that's good news for you and your husband. You are absolutely not alone! Your husband is not a freak or crazy. He has a serious problem, but the fact is that millions of men have the very same problem and many have made, or are making very good progress to overcome it. It's not an easy road, believe me, for you or your husband! It takes faith in God and a lot of hard work.
I do plead with you not to leave your husband! He needs your support. For you wives out there, you are one of the biggest supports for your husband. Don't try to be their counselor. Trust me, that is a bad idea. However, they do need to know in their heart that you are there and will continue to be, and that you believe in them. Encourage them, set boundaries when they don't seem to be able, but always be faithful to them and trust in them that they are trying to get better. They aren't going to get better overnight, and it's unreasonable to expect them to. As long as you can see signs that they are trying and are making even minimal progress, you can know that things are getting better.

The number 1 key to overcoming this addiction is Jesus!

God is faithful to help.

Deuteronomy 7:9 (New Living Translation)

9 Understand, therefore, that the Lord your God is indeed God. He is the faithful God who keeps his covenant for a thousand generations and lavishes his unfailing love on those who love him and obey his commands.

Philippians 1:6 (New International Version)

New International Version (NIV)

6being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Matthew 5:27-29 (New Living Translation)

New Living Translation (NLT)

Teaching about Adultery

27 “You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’^[a] 28 But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 So if your eye—even your good eye^[b]—causes you to lust, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.

(Don't actually gouge out your eyes! :) Verse 29 is just saying to you that you need set boundries and get rid of those things in your life that make you stumble. Even if it's something valuable, getting rid of it is better than going to hell.)

These words should be taken to heart for everyone, but especially people that already have an addiction to pornography. God's commandment, says that you can not commit adultery, and that anyone who breaks this commandment or any other shall not enter the kingdom of Heaven. Make no mistake that when you look at porn in God's eyes you just had sex with that woman, and you will not be able to go to heaven. The bad news is that you broke the law and saying sorry isn't going to cut it. The good news is, Jesus has already paid the fine for your crime against God!

Let me make an analogy. You are in court and have been convicted of multiple crimes, and the fine for your release is $500,000. Now, if you say your sorry to the judge, is he going to let you go? No, of course not. He won't let you go until either the time has been served or the fine has been paid. Now, what if someone came into that court room and paid the $500,000? Would the judge let you free? Yes.

This is EXACTLY what Jesus did by dying on the cross! Isn't that great? You broke the law and Jesus paid with his life for your sin. All you have to do to be free is to repent (turn your ways away from sin) and trust in Jesus as your savior (acknowledge that he's the one that paid your fine). Now you're saying, "What if I slip and sin again"? Good news! Jesus is so loving that as long as you keep confessing what you did and ask for forgiveness, Jesus will ALWAYS forgive no matter how many times you slip.

Psalm 103:12 (New Living Translation)

12 He has removed our sins as far from us
as the east is from the west.

All you have to do right now to get right with God is to pray to him (it doesn't matter what the words are as long as they are true from your heart) and acknowledge that Jesus died for you, confess your sin, and ask for forgiveness. If you do this truly from your heart, God will forgive you and you will be written into the book of life.

John 3:16-21 (New Living Translation)

16 “For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. 17 God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him.

Revelation 3:5 (New Living Translation)

5 All who are victorious will be clothed in white. I will never erase their names from the Book of Life, but I will announce before my Father and his angels that they are mine.

Things have been better

2006-11-27T03:38:00.000-06:00

Well, a lot has been going on in my life recently. That's why I've yet again been delayed on my posts. I really am sorry about that.

I've had a lot of stress and pain in my life recently and I slipped a couple of days ago. I went out and bought a playboy. I'm really upset at myself, but I've asked God for forgiveness and am trying to move on and set a new goal. I'm setting my goal for 3 months. That means I'm going to try to not seek out any pornographic material until 2/27/2007. I have to make sure I don't think of this as permission to look at porn on 2/27. Sometimes my head will go in that direction. I would like to ask that you out there will pray with me about keeping and reaching this goal.

Do any of you have goals out there? Would you like to set a goal? Email me or comment on the blog and I'd be happy to help in anyway, or if you have a goal comment and let us know what it is.

2006-10-29T12:05:00.000-06:00

Well, it's been nearly two weeks since I posted. I'm happy to say that I've been doing very well. Especially given all that I've been around. Halloween is coming up and everybody has been having parties and dressing up all weekend. For some reason a lot of women seem to think that nothing is a costume! Everywhere I look has been women wearing as little as they can legally get a way with. It's been hard to say the least, and I give thanks to God for the strength that I've received!

I came to a realization about a week ago that all that I ever really knew about God has left my heart and mind. Well, I came to the realization a long time ago, but have now decided to pay attention to it.
I grew up in a Christian home. I have two very devout and wise parents, and from an early age I was taught about Jesus. I remember loving and worshiping him, and developing a relationship with him. As I got into pornography, more and more I left him aside. With that, I left aside what I knew of his character. I left aside my knowledge of how to pray and how to read the Bible. Now I'm in my twenties and I'm discovering that I don't know how to pray. I often forget that the Bible even exists! Sure, I can spew off knowledge and wisdom the Bible tells us, but I don't really take it to heart. I don't, at all, follow what it preaches. I am one of the pharasies. Plain and simple. I can tell people what the Bible says to do, but I don't practice it myself.
God has become that friend that you reunite with after 15 years of little to no contact. You remember him. You like him. You can recount old memories with only minimal clarity, but after a few minutes of talking you realize that this person is much different. Things have changed. Whole worlds of experience have gone past, and this person in front of you is a stranger that bears a small resemblance of someone you knew long ago.
Now that I know what I am, and where I stand with God, I've decided to take the bull by the horns and throw myself at God. My wife and I had a talk recently about how our lives are doing. We discovered that our relationships with God are quite shabby! Unlike me, my wife grew up with an atheist father and a mother that was bitter with God. Sparing you her whole life story, she found Jesus at age 15. After that, she led a very passionate life with God, but I don't think ever really delved deep into the Bible. She read the Bible, but I don't think studied it to be able to grow deeper with him. Now her passion has started to die. Regardless of the differences of our stories, we have both become infants in the site of God. After this talk, we agreed that we need to start studying the Bible together. She and I went to the local Christian bookstore and found a weekly Bible study book from Willow Creek all about laying the foundation for spiritual growth and transformation. We have already gone through week one, and are committing ourselves to do this every week on Friday afternoon. This Bible study is very well written, and thought provoking enough to challenge, but not to overwhelm. If you are in the same place we are, I would recommend getting this book.

Also, today is the start of Pornography awareness week, so get or make your white ribbons!

Comments

2006-10-15T14:41:00.000-05:00

Sorry everyone. I didn't realize that I comments on for registered users only. I've corrected that now, so please feel free to make a comment or ask questions.

My Road with Christ

2006-10-15T00:38:00.000-05:00

I have had the great blessing to be raised by two of the most Godly people I know. Even before I was able to remember, my parents were telling me of Jesus. I grew up in church. I worshiped and prayed. Everything in my life was great. As much as could be expected anyway. However, my life was about to make a huge turn for the worse that wouldn't begin to heal for almost 12 years. I had a subscription to Sports Illustrated. At the time, my parents and I didn't know about the now famous (or infamous) swimsuit edition. One day I came home from school and there it was, waiting for me in the mailbox. I took it in and looked. And looked. And looked. My fascination with looking at other women really began here. That fateful day was the first time I masturbated. I didn't know what I was doing then, but I couldn't really stop myself and it felt wonderful. Shortly there after, we got our first internet connection. The very first thing that I remember seeing when we got it running was a Playboy chat room. A playboy chat room right on AOL's homepage! It occurred to me at that time that I could use this to look at more girls. The women in the Sports Illustrated weren't enough for me anymore. Even though the internet was still a bit primitive, there was no shortage of porn, and a lot of it was completely free!

Now you might be thinking, "Why is this titled, 'My Road with Christ'?" Because this was my road. My road was full of porn and I was trampling God with it. I buried him under so much that the pornography completely silenced him in my head. He was yelling out to me, but I just wouldn't listen. I thought this was more fun. For the next several years, until I was about 20, this rang true. Now I had to cover this up. After all, my parents don't exactly look kindly upon porn, and neither did my church. So, I just acted like I wasn't doing anything at all. I acted like an upstanding Christian teen. I didn't read the Bible anymore, but I knew enough to talk about it. I didn't pray, but I knew enough to pray like a real Christian. I played in a worship band, so I knew all of the popular songs. All while having absolutely no relationship with God. I seemed like a strong Christian on the outside, but inside I was completely dead! I really didn't feel. I at various times throughout my teens I would come to this revelation that what I was doing with pornography was completely wrong. I would promise myself that I'd quit. I would go cold turkey and then two days(sometimes two hours) later I would be right back at the computer. Sound familiar to anyone?

Then, in the summer of 2004 I met the women that I would eventually marry. A beautiful, smart, Christian girl. She started to show me things that I'd forgotten all about. She showed me what it was like to love. She showed me a passion for God. He shown through her. After we were dating for about 6 months I told her that I had a problem with pornography. Well...I told her I USED to have a problem with pornography. I know it wasn't true, but I'm not sure how much I really believed it. At that time I was in such denial that I could easily lie to myself. About a month later she found the history on my computer. We went through a very, very difficult time. We fought, we cried, we were confused. She assured me that she wasn't going to leave me. I was paranoid that she would. I made promises that I couldn't keep. She made promises that she couldn't keep. She was hurt, I was hurt, and it was all my fault. I will never forget some of the things that she said to me about how much I hurt her.

Now things are starting to get better. Everything is far from done, but we are at least started on our journey. I've turned back to God, and he has already in a short time shown me his grace and faithfulness, as if nothing had ever happened. My wife and I are on much better terms. We don't have the perfect marriage yet. (We've only been married for a few months though.) We still have trust issues. She has inadequacy issues. I'm still a bit paranoid, but things are better than yesterday, and yesterday was better than the day before. In short, for those of you reading this I'm probably in no different of a situation than you. I wish I was, but I'm not. I'm just here to confess and release some of the anxiety and burden that comes with this and hopefully learn a thing or two. If you can identify with me, then at least I've accomplished one thing. You know that you're not alone. And for you spouses, you're not alone either. My wife's spouse is a porn addict. :)

I am a porn addict. I blog.

2006-10-14T03:40:00.000-05:00

Welcome to my blog. I am a porn addict. For the sake of my privacy and my family's privacy, I will refer to myself as Jim on this blog. Everything else written here will be the truth of my life, and my addiction. My goal for this blog is to be a tool for everyone including me. I want men and women who are addicted to pornography and sex to read this blog and know that they are not alone, and to find it as a resource for their recovery. I also want this to be a tool for the significant others of those addicts, for them to see some insight into their partner's lives and thoughts. Eventhough this is a blog, I encourage people to interact with it. Please leave comments (tasteful and constructive ones) and don't be afraid to email me. I would love to talk with people out there that have been affected by this horrible addiction. My email is iamaddicted2porn@gmail.com

A little more about me:
I'm a 23 year old, happily married man. I'm a Christian. I enjoy music, TV, playing cards with my friends, spending time with my wonderful wife. From all outward appearances I live a completely normal life. Down deeper, however, lies a dark and horrible addiction. Pornography has been the plague of my life for years. It has caused great pain, hurt, and fear for me and now my wife. I've lost a job because of it. I've gotten in financial trouble from it. It has created an awkwardness between my parents and me.(they know about my problems) I've hurt my wife. I've lost some ability to feel emotions. It's caused me to be selfish and distant from my family and friends. I've fallen away from God. These things that I have thrown out only begin to describe the past 12 years of my life. 12 years! I was only 11 when I first began seeking out those images and masturbating. If only I had known then what I know now.

Because of the nature and complication of this addiction and the way it affects live and relationships, there is too much to cover in one posting. I plan to cover in more detail my past and my relationships, as well as write about new situations and breakthroughs as they occur.

One last thing for this initial blog post. WRAP(White Ribbon Against Pornography) week is coming up on Sunday, October 29 through November 5. If you're the activist type get out there and make a difference. If you're not, keep a white ribbon in your pocket as a reminder to yourself to further your recovery, or to pray for your partner, or to pray for somebody in the porn/sex industry. Visit www.wrapfamily.com