My Road with Christ

I have had the great blessing to be raised by two of the most Godly people I know. Even before I was able to remember, my parents were telling me of Jesus. I grew up in church. I worshiped and prayed. Everything in my life was great. As much as could be expected anyway. However, my life was about to make a huge turn for the worse that wouldn't begin to heal for almost 12 years. I had a subscription to Sports Illustrated. At the time, my parents and I didn't know about the now famous (or infamous) swimsuit edition. One day I came home from school and there it was, waiting for me in the mailbox. I took it in and looked. And looked. And looked. My fascination with looking at other women really began here. That fateful day was the first time I masturbated. I didn't know what I was doing then, but I couldn't really stop myself and it felt wonderful. Shortly there after, we got our first internet connection. The very first thing that I remember seeing when we got it running was a Playboy chat room. A playboy chat room right on AOL's homepage! It occurred to me at that time that I could use this to look at more girls. The women in the Sports Illustrated weren't enough for me anymore. Even though the internet was still a bit primitive, there was no shortage of porn, and a lot of it was completely free!

Now you might be thinking, "Why is this titled, 'My Road with Christ'?" Because this was my road. My road was full of porn and I was trampling God with it. I buried him under so much that the pornography completely silenced him in my head. He was yelling out to me, but I just wouldn't listen. I thought this was more fun. For the next several years, until I was about 20, this rang true. Now I had to cover this up. After all, my parents don't exactly look kindly upon porn, and neither did my church. So, I just acted like I wasn't doing anything at all. I acted like an upstanding Christian teen. I didn't read the Bible anymore, but I knew enough to talk about it. I didn't pray, but I knew enough to pray like a real Christian. I played in a worship band, so I knew all of the popular songs. All while having absolutely no relationship with God. I seemed like a strong Christian on the outside, but inside I was completely dead! I really didn't feel. I at various times throughout my teens I would come to this revelation that what I was doing with pornography was completely wrong. I would promise myself that I'd quit. I would go cold turkey and then two days(sometimes two hours) later I would be right back at the computer. Sound familiar to anyone?

Then, in the summer of 2004 I met the women that I would eventually marry. A beautiful, smart, Christian girl. She started to show me things that I'd forgotten all about. She showed me what it was like to love. She showed me a passion for God. He shown through her. After we were dating for about 6 months I told her that I had a problem with pornography. Well...I told her I USED to have a problem with pornography. I know it wasn't true, but I'm not sure how much I really believed it. At that time I was in such denial that I could easily lie to myself. About a month later she found the history on my computer. We went through a very, very difficult time. We fought, we cried, we were confused. She assured me that she wasn't going to leave me. I was paranoid that she would. I made promises that I couldn't keep. She made promises that she couldn't keep. She was hurt, I was hurt, and it was all my fault. I will never forget some of the things that she said to me about how much I hurt her.

Now things are starting to get better. Everything is far from done, but we are at least started on our journey. I've turned back to God, and he has already in a short time shown me his grace and faithfulness, as if nothing had ever happened. My wife and I are on much better terms. We don't have the perfect marriage yet. (We've only been married for a few months though.) We still have trust issues. She has inadequacy issues. I'm still a bit paranoid, but things are better than yesterday, and yesterday was better than the day before. In short, for those of you reading this I'm probably in no different of a situation than you. I wish I was, but I'm not. I'm just here to confess and release some of the anxiety and burden that comes with this and hopefully learn a thing or two. If you can identify with me, then at least I've accomplished one thing. You know that you're not alone. And for you spouses, you're not alone either. My wife's spouse is a porn addict. :)