Well, it's been nearly two weeks since I posted. I'm happy to say that I've been doing very well. Especially given all that I've been around. Halloween is coming up and everybody has been having parties and dressing up all weekend. For some reason a lot of women seem to think that nothing is a costume! Everywhere I look has been women wearing as little as they can legally get a way with. It's been hard to say the least, and I give thanks to God for the strength that I've received!

I came to a realization about a week ago that all that I ever really knew about God has left my heart and mind. Well, I came to the realization a long time ago, but have now decided to pay attention to it.
I grew up in a Christian home. I have two very devout and wise parents, and from an early age I was taught about Jesus. I remember loving and worshiping him, and developing a relationship with him. As I got into pornography, more and more I left him aside. With that, I left aside what I knew of his character. I left aside my knowledge of how to pray and how to read the Bible. Now I'm in my twenties and I'm discovering that I don't know how to pray. I often forget that the Bible even exists! Sure, I can spew off knowledge and wisdom the Bible tells us, but I don't really take it to heart. I don't, at all, follow what it preaches. I am one of the pharasies. Plain and simple. I can tell people what the Bible says to do, but I don't practice it myself.
God has become that friend that you reunite with after 15 years of little to no contact. You remember him. You like him. You can recount old memories with only minimal clarity, but after a few minutes of talking you realize that this person is much different. Things have changed. Whole worlds of experience have gone past, and this person in front of you is a stranger that bears a small resemblance of someone you knew long ago.
Now that I know what I am, and where I stand with God, I've decided to take the bull by the horns and throw myself at God. My wife and I had a talk recently about how our lives are doing. We discovered that our relationships with God are quite shabby! Unlike me, my wife grew up with an atheist father and a mother that was bitter with God. Sparing you her whole life story, she found Jesus at age 15. After that, she led a very passionate life with God, but I don't think ever really delved deep into the Bible. She read the Bible, but I don't think studied it to be able to grow deeper with him. Now her passion has started to die. Regardless of the differences of our stories, we have both become infants in the site of God. After this talk, we agreed that we need to start studying the Bible together. She and I went to the local Christian bookstore and found a weekly Bible study book from Willow Creek all about laying the foundation for spiritual growth and transformation. We have already gone through week one, and are committing ourselves to do this every week on Friday afternoon. This Bible study is very well written, and thought provoking enough to challenge, but not to overwhelm. If you are in the same place we are, I would recommend getting this book.

Also, today is the start of Pornography awareness week, so get or make your white ribbons!

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My Road with Christ

I have had the great blessing to be raised by two of the most Godly people I know. Even before I was able to remember, my parents were telling me of Jesus. I grew up in church. I worshiped and prayed. Everything in my life was great. As much as could be expected anyway. However, my life was about to make a huge turn for the worse that wouldn't begin to heal for almost 12 years. I had a subscription to Sports Illustrated. At the time, my parents and I didn't know about the now famous (or infamous) swimsuit edition. One day I came home from school and there it was, waiting for me in the mailbox. I took it in and looked. And looked. And looked. My fascination with looking at other women really began here. That fateful day was the first time I masturbated. I didn't know what I was doing then, but I couldn't really stop myself and it felt wonderful. Shortly there after, we got our first internet connection. The very first thing that I remember seeing when we got it running was a Playboy chat room. A playboy chat room right on AOL's homepage! It occurred to me at that time that I could use this to look at more girls. The women in the Sports Illustrated weren't enough for me anymore. Even though the internet was still a bit primitive, there was no shortage of porn, and a lot of it was completely free!

Now you might be thinking, "Why is this titled, 'My Road with Christ'?" Because this was my road. My road was full of porn and I was trampling God with it. I buried him under so much that the pornography completely silenced him in my head. He was yelling out to me, but I just wouldn't listen. I thought this was more fun. For the next several years, until I was about 20, this rang true. Now I had to cover this up. After all, my parents don't exactly look kindly upon porn, and neither did my church. So, I just acted like I wasn't doing anything at all. I acted like an upstanding Christian teen. I didn't read the Bible anymore, but I knew enough to talk about it. I didn't pray, but I knew enough to pray like a real Christian. I played in a worship band, so I knew all of the popular songs. All while having absolutely no relationship with God. I seemed like a strong Christian on the outside, but inside I was completely dead! I really didn't feel. I at various times throughout my teens I would come to this revelation that what I was doing with pornography was completely wrong. I would promise myself that I'd quit. I would go cold turkey and then two days(sometimes two hours) later I would be right back at the computer. Sound familiar to anyone?

Then, in the summer of 2004 I met the women that I would eventually marry. A beautiful, smart, Christian girl. She started to show me things that I'd forgotten all about. She showed me what it was like to love. She showed me a passion for God. He shown through her. After we were dating for about 6 months I told her that I had a problem with pornography. Well...I told her I USED to have a problem with pornography. I know it wasn't true, but I'm not sure how much I really believed it. At that time I was in such denial that I could easily lie to myself. About a month later she found the history on my computer. We went through a very, very difficult time. We fought, we cried, we were confused. She assured me that she wasn't going to leave me. I was paranoid that she would. I made promises that I couldn't keep. She made promises that she couldn't keep. She was hurt, I was hurt, and it was all my fault. I will never forget some of the things that she said to me about how much I hurt her.

Now things are starting to get better. Everything is far from done, but we are at least started on our journey. I've turned back to God, and he has already in a short time shown me his grace and faithfulness, as if nothing had ever happened. My wife and I are on much better terms. We don't have the perfect marriage yet. (We've only been married for a few months though.) We still have trust issues. She has inadequacy issues. I'm still a bit paranoid, but things are better than yesterday, and yesterday was better than the day before. In short, for those of you reading this I'm probably in no different of a situation than you. I wish I was, but I'm not. I'm just here to confess and release some of the anxiety and burden that comes with this and hopefully learn a thing or two. If you can identify with me, then at least I've accomplished one thing. You know that you're not alone. And for you spouses, you're not alone either. My wife's spouse is a porn addict. :)

I am a porn addict. I blog.

Welcome to my blog. I am a porn addict. For the sake of my privacy and my family's privacy, I will refer to myself as Jim on this blog. Everything else written here will be the truth of my life, and my addiction. My goal for this blog is to be a tool for everyone including me. I want men and women who are addicted to pornography and sex to read this blog and know that they are not alone, and to find it as a resource for their recovery. I also want this to be a tool for the significant others of those addicts, for them to see some insight into their partner's lives and thoughts. Eventhough this is a blog, I encourage people to interact with it. Please leave comments (tasteful and constructive ones) and don't be afraid to email me. I would love to talk with people out there that have been affected by this horrible addiction. My email is iamaddicted2porn@gmail.com

A little more about me:
I'm a 23 year old, happily married man. I'm a Christian. I enjoy music, TV, playing cards with my friends, spending time with my wonderful wife. From all outward appearances I live a completely normal life. Down deeper, however, lies a dark and horrible addiction. Pornography has been the plague of my life for years. It has caused great pain, hurt, and fear for me and now my wife. I've lost a job because of it. I've gotten in financial trouble from it. It has created an awkwardness between my parents and me.(they know about my problems) I've hurt my wife. I've lost some ability to feel emotions. It's caused me to be selfish and distant from my family and friends. I've fallen away from God. These things that I have thrown out only begin to describe the past 12 years of my life. 12 years! I was only 11 when I first began seeking out those images and masturbating. If only I had known then what I know now.

Because of the nature and complication of this addiction and the way it affects live and relationships, there is too much to cover in one posting. I plan to cover in more detail my past and my relationships, as well as write about new situations and breakthroughs as they occur.

One last thing for this initial blog post. WRAP(White Ribbon Against Pornography) week is coming up on Sunday, October 29 through November 5. If you're the activist type get out there and make a difference. If you're not, keep a white ribbon in your pocket as a reminder to yourself to further your recovery, or to pray for your partner, or to pray for somebody in the porn/sex industry. Visit www.wrapfamily.com